


Saddest People Smile the Brightest

by andysbrandy



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age II, Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-13
Updated: 2015-03-13
Packaged: 2018-03-17 16:55:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,490
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3536993
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/andysbrandy/pseuds/andysbrandy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Hawke just wanted to kill Corypheus and go home, she'd made a millions mistakes and this one she could help fix. But Cole wants to fix them all, and Hawke doesn't like facing problems she can't shoot.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Saddest People Smile the Brightest

**Author's Note:**

> Really tired of seeing 'Hawke comes to Skyhold and gets mindraped by Cole' fics bc Cole would not keep blurting out deep dark secrets in a crowded room if Hawke asked him to stop, but we all also know that Hawke is super fucked up and would be like a beacon of hurt that Cole couldn’t not try to help. He’d see through purple Hawke's smiling facade in 2 seconds, and I think that if done right, Hawke might actually let him in.

There was a reason Hawke didn't leave the ramparts.

 

She had the first night, snuck down to find Varric, and meet some of the people who'd be watching her back in the fight to come.

 

She found Varric in the tavern of course, only mildly drunk and telling a wildly inaccurate retelling of her battle against the Arishok. An old story, and a bland one if it's been anyone other than Varric telling it, that dwarf could narrate Cullen's morning routine and make it sound interesting.

 

She sat by herself in the back of the bar, listening to how she had danced around the Qunari, cutting on him with knives, dragging on the fight because it was fun and she was in total control. In reality, the fight was nearly a half hour of hell and her technique was mainly to haul ass and make the Arishok a pincushion of arrows from a safe distance. 

 

And when it was over, she hadn't sliced off her foes' head to use as a beer mug, (although that would have been cool) or even made a witty one liner and walk out like Varric was telling now. She'd collapsed against a pillar as soon as they got outside and it took her an entire twenty minutes to catch her breath long enough to mutter a sarcastic "you're welcome" at Isabela, and another ten for Anders to show up and fix the cut on her back from when she'd barely dodged the Arishok’s charge. Then she went home and cried, because for a half second, she had actually considered giving Isabel to him, just so she wouldn't have to fight, wouldn't have to die.

 

But Varric liked making her sound heroic, and no one knew her deepest darkest secrets, how scared and cowardly her thoughts, and how fucking fantastic of an actress she was when Varric finally came over and bought them both a drink. 

 

"What, no skull mug this time?" She teased.

"Nah, I only tell that one when I wanna scare, if I told people around here that you used an Arishok’s skull to brush your teeth, we'd both be dead or banished to Orlais by midnight."

"Or Tevinter, they'd love that there."

"Oh yeah, of course, except for the whole 'dating and ex slave' thing yeah, I'm sure they would just love you."

"Everyone loves me" Hawke grinned, and took a swig of whatever Varric had bought, which was only slightly better than what they had at the hanged man.

"Yeah they do, and you can thank me for that."

"If your tales are what's going down in history about me, I would rather like to be a dragon in at least one chapter, pleaseeee." She whined, doing the batty eyelash thing that 'bela had taught her.

"Not gonna work Hawke, I only tell the truth." Varric smirked, because they both knew half of what came out of his mouth was a blatant lie.

"And you just decided to lie about the part where I whine for Anders for twenty minutes after the Arishok fight?"

"Well, bad publicity for you aside, I try to ignore most things about Anders."

"Most things?" Hawke asked "Or just all the good ones?" She narrowed her eyes. And Varric sighed. This would be about the hundredth time the two of them had argued about Anders, and he was probably the only thing they argued about.

"Not tonight Hawke" Varric deadpans, and she stops.

"Not tonight" she agrees. 

 

They talk about less fragile things, about the inquisition and arrows and the best way to kill a demon, until Hawke tries to shoot through the handle of a mug on a lyrium delivery dwarfs’ head and the barkeep kicks them out for lodging 3 arrows in his window.

 "What?" She elbows Varric when they get outside. "She was a lot shorter than the usual asshole I'm used to drunkenly shooting."

"Oh!" Varric exclaimed sarcastically. "A short joke about the dwarf, very original. And what did I tell you about fighting drunk?"

"Only with my fists?"

"Yeah, so why are you trying to _shoot_ people Hawke? You're gonna kill somebody important and gain another entire country trying to kill you."

"Thanks mom" Hawke burped and Varric froze. It had been years since Leandra had died in Hawke’s arms, but she still never brought her up, never talked about what happened that night, not even to Fenris. Her joking about it was either a sign of moving on, or a drunken mistake

 

Hawke realized what she'd said and seemed to instantly lose about 5 drinks worth of ease. So the second one then.

 

"Well, it's late Varric, thanks for the drinks but I'd better get to bed. Lots of saving the world to do."

"Hawke..." 

"I'm fine Varric, really.” She snapped, in a tone that told everyone she was done talking. “Just tired. I'll see you tomorrow." She finished, and turned to leave without waiting for a response. 

 

The ramparts were quiet, and Hawke could be alone. Both things she had no desire for when she was younger. Quiet was bad, quiet led to thinking and remembering and regretting, so many regrets, so many failures. 

 

_"Look after them" dad says, sick in bed and going to die "promise me Marian" he grabs her hand and she follows Carver to Ostagar._

_"I promise"_

_Carvers’ dead eyes look at her from mothers arms, her baby brother, her responsibility. She still remembers him holding a wooden sword and chasing Bethany through the garden, screaming and laughing when his clothes catch fire and dad puts it out. Carver jumping up and down and asking for more, show me more magic, when will my magic come dad?_

 

_Watching him slash through Darkspawn at Ostagar, taking down one monster for her two, Hawke’s archer eyes trained on her brother the entire time, shooting anything trying to flank him, and half the enemies coming at his front too. Never telling him how he did so well, never breaking his confidence. Maybe if she had he wouldn't have jumped in front of that ogre, wouldn't of tried to be a big damn hero._

 

 Her first great failure, but not the last.

 

_Bethany leaning on her shoulder in the deep roads, too weak to stand alone. Hawke can feel her getting colder and she grits her teeth. Not again, never again, I won't fail this time._

_Anders in front of them always saying, "just a bit further" but it's always a bit further after that and Bethany is_ dying. 

 

_Grey wardens surround them, they can help, they could save her baby sister where they couldn’t save Carver, but Bethany will hate her for it, and they might never see each other again._

 

_It's okay, as long as she's alive._

 

The memories came faster now, rapid firing all her greatest failures at her, all the things she wished she could fix, but couldn’t because she solved her problems with arrows and knives and it wasn’t always enough.

 

 _Fenris leaving her after their first night because Hawke wasn’t good enough, Her mother's mutilated body dying in her arms because Hawke hadn't been quick enough, Anders hanging his head after blowing up the chantry, wanting to die and Hawke can’t do it because she doesn’t even know if she thought he was_ wrong _-_

 

"Hello" a voice said to her left and Hawke nearly shit her pants. That kid had _not_ been there a second ago.

 

"What the hell?" Was her very polite response, though she was grateful. She never could sit and wallow in her shitty life when other people were around.

 

"It wasn't your fault you know"

 

"What?"

 

"Carver was always going to die, you did all you could."

 

"How do you know me? How do you know about my brother?"

 

"Oh nooo" the kid said, putting his head in his hands. "I messed, let me start over-"

 

"You can start making sense anytime now." Hawke said impatiently, pushing his hands away from her face.

 

The kids’ wide brimmed hat hid his eyes when he turned away, "Endless laughter to drown out the silence, jokes made to cover the cracks, wearing a mask, like an Orlesian empress, but can't take it off. Bending, stretching, molded into someone you can't recognize, but you won't break. You’re too strong."

 

"I'm not strong." Hawke says after a stunned moment. "And don't compare me to an Orlesian I'm from Ferelden we hate them"

 

The kid smiles at that, and pale blue eyes peek up at her from behind the rim of his hat. 

 

"Ferelden, that word meant home once. But now it doesn't. Kirkwall is home, but you can't go back." the kid cocked his head. "Why can't you go back?"

 

"The war started there kiddo, I- I helped start it."

 

"Shoulders hunched, eyes to the ground. His work is done, he wants to die, he _deserves_ to die. But you can't do it. Maybe because you know him, called him a friend, maybe because you agreed with him, still can't figure out which."

 

"What are you?" Hawke has to ask.

 

"I'm Cole."

 

"And how are you reading my mind?"

 

"Not your mind, reading your hurts. So full of hurts and pain, wake up and wonder why you should get out of bed. But you do, you keep going, keep helping people after everything you've lost." Cole paused and hid his eyes again. "I want to be like you"

 

"No you don't"

 

"The Arishok wants Isabela, wants to take her away to face Qunari justice, kill her. You can either let him go, or kill him. You're scared, you want him to leave, just take his stupid book and go, but he won't, not without the thief. You almost do it, almost let him take her. But you don't, you fight for her and you almost die but you don't and Isabela never knows."

 

"I was a coward"

 

"No. A coward would have done it. You were brave"

 

"If I was brave I wouldn't have even thought to turn her over."

 

"It doesn't matter what you thought about doing. It matters what you did."

 

"And what did I do?"

 

"You helped people. You still help people."

 

"Tell that to all the people who are dead because of me."

 

"Carver did it for you, he knew what you'd done for him, he'd seen the red fetching arrows in the bodies behind him, he knew he would never be as good as you, never as sure. So he gave himself so that you didn't, so you could protect the rest."

 

"So I failed my dad and Carver. Great."

 

"You didn't fail anyone. Bethany never hated you for bringing her to the deep roads, she was jealous because you escaped and she hadn't. But you saved her life, and she knows. Bethany loves you, just like your brother and mother did. They don't blame you for their deaths, you make them proud." 

 

Hawke felt something wet and looked the sky for rain, before realized she was _crying._ She hadn't cried since mother died, and doing it now felt odd. Not the hysterical angry tears she'd cried that night, but slow and steady tears that didn't quite fit into one emotion. 

 

"Fenris" the kid mutters. And Hawke braces herself 

 

"Happiness and pain mixed in together, so tightly wound it's impossible to untangle, loud words and anger intertwined with embraces and love."

 

"Yeah, that’s gonna be a lot harder to fix."

 

"'How could she ever love me?' Wine bottle smashes against the wall, not quite empty, spilling a sovereigns worth of wine into an expensive carpet. 'slave, knife ear, freak no matter where I go, how could she ever love me?'  A new bottle opens. 'I can never make her happy, she's too good for me, too bright. It's better I leave now. It's better this way, it has to be.'" Cole stops and looks at Hawke. 

 

"But you do love him?" He asked, confused. "You never thought him beneath you."

 

"Never."

 

"Dorian told me that sometimes love isn't enough." 

 

"Sometimes it's not. But I hope this time it is." 

 

"Tangled bedsheets covered in sweat, they made this cabin in the woods theirs, but the roof leaks and its miles from town. Not home, not this place. 'I have to leave tomorrow' she says and he's suspicious. 'Varric needs my help with some asshole we fought years ago, just consulting, I won't even be fighting.' She lies, but she knows he can't come, knows he'll cause trouble, too many mages, too many Vints. And if she does fight, she won't watch him die to protect her. Never again would someone else die to save her, especially not him. 'I know you're lying' he says. 'Just promise me you'll be careful.'

She smiles because she's never careful and he frowns for the same reason. He pushes their foreheads together and closes his eyes. 'You'll come back safe' he says, almost like a command. And almost like a prayer."

 

The kid finishes and looks up at her, pale sunken eyes reflecting candlelight from Cullen's study, and she sees how sad they are. He wants her to say something, except she's speechless. But when he stands up to leave Hawke grabs his hand and pulls him back down. 

 

"Thank you" she says, because a weight is gone now that's been building for years like a cloud inside of her, and it was gone because some crazy stranger had actually cared enough to talk. Also some supernatural powers were probably at work here too but the kid hadn't slit his wrists to read her mind so she guessed he was ok. 

 

"Is this what you do Cole? Help sad old ladies by talking to them about their regrets?"

 

"Sometimes. Sometimes stabbing bad people helps too." 

 

Hawke snorted and Cole looked up again and smiled like he did when he made someone laugh. "I like you kid, although I've always been better at the second kind myself."

 

"Talking is harder. But it helps more." Cole said "I think-" he paused, waiting for a nod from Hawke to continue, "-I think you should talk to Fenris" he finished, and tried to hide his face again. 

 

"I think maybe you're right" Hawke agreed, and put her hand on the kids shoulder. "And if you ever-" she cleared her throat, "if you ever want to talk, I'll be here." _I know better than anyone that the ones who help the most, also hurt the most._ she added silently, hoping he could hear her. 

 

"I would... like that." Cole said, and he would, but he would never take her up on her offer. He wasn’t supposed to _be_ helped, just help others. So he sat on the ramparts with Hawke until she fell asleep, and when she woke up she couldn’t remember why she felt so light, but she stayed up there hoping the memory would come again.

**Author's Note:**

> So this doesn't fit as cleanly into canon as I'd like, since cole never mentions hawke at all, but I don't think he could have avoided trying to help that much hurt, and since I left my Hawke in the fade i wanted to give her some closure before she went off to join her family. Now I kinda wanna write Bethany and Fenris's reactions to her death...


End file.
